


Caving In

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Dissociation, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Feelings, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Break, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, Sander sides spoilers, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, i spoil deceits actual name sooo, ish, they care 4 him just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Logan's lack of emotion isn't him trying to be more functional, he's just been dissociating for a very long time.(or a self indulgent character study)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, IF U SQUINT - Relationship, Logic | Logan Sanders & Deceit Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 272





	Caving In

**Author's Note:**

> TW: food, self harm, dissociation, implied suicidal thoughts.  
> This is based on my own experiences with dissociation.

Logan didn't know when the feeling or really lack of feeling began. It was odd that he couldn't recall the starting date of his disconnection, perhaps his disconnection caused him to not be able to recall when it began. However, Logan knew he didn't feel right. He felt like a viewer watching his life go on, he felt like a ghost haunting his own body.

Logan would know that he was discussing a dilemma with the sides, or that he was eating crofters, or even watching a Disney movie, yet he never felt there. He was disconnected from everyone. He didn't feel the scolding hot coffee coming down his throat, or the blade, or the blood. Logan couldn't remember ever touching the blade that he'd find in his hand, but he'd feel the pain from the open wounds. The other sides noticed as well. They noticed the glazed looks the logical side gets from staring at his cold coffee, or how he stands and looks at the wall till someone calls for his attention. The lack of discussion on philosophy or books was a major give away, and they were petrified. Was it Janus pretending to be Logan or was there something wrong with Logan?  
———  
"Hey, Logan," Virgil calls out one afternoon.

The sides were sitting in Thomas's couch rewatching Lion King, how Logan got there was beyond him.

"Yes, Virgil?" Logan responds looking at the anxious side.

"Are- Are you okay?" Virgil asks.

Logan ponders for a moment," I am performing adequately, so I believe that I am."

"Not that," Patton joins in the conversation," we were-it's just- well you seem off."

"Has my work hindered?" Logan questions.

Logan prided himself in being helpful if he wasn't then what was his point.

"No, you're a great side! No side could replace you!"

Deceit has and you fell for it, Logan thinks to himself.

"You seem off kiddo, you seem more quiet and unresponsive. You just seem upset," Patton sighs, a sad glaze over his eyes.

Logan tilts his head in confusion," upset? You do know I don't feel correct?"

"Of course you do!" Roman groans," you used to get mad when I made fun of your books and now you don't! You don't try to correct us and you just serve your purpose and go! You don't stay anymore!"

Logan blinks, his brows furrowing to try to think of an intelligent answer yet all he musters is," I'm sorry, I promise to be better next time."

Virgil takes in a deep breath," this isn't about your role, it's about you, you're off."

His role is who he is, without it who was he even? Logan doesn't understand Virgil's comment, but he nods. He's aware that Patton put a hand on his shoulder and gives him his iconic dad smile,"We care about you kiddo, just take care of yourself okay?"

The logical side enjoyed taking care of others, helping anyone that needed assistance. It was the one thing he was good at. He wasn't handsome or creative like Roman, as cool or 'relatable' as Virgil, and he wasn't sweet as Patton. He was there to give his knowledge. How was he supposed to give knowledge to himself?

Logan nods once again, still not knowing how to answer.

———

The logical side always believed in finding a logical solution, that was his whole being. But how do you fix him? He was a figment of imagination that felt unreal. That sentence was confusing to him, the side that could multiply five-digit numbers in his head with ease. Logan knew what was happening, dissociation. He knew who coined the term(Pierre Janet), he knew what it was(the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected), yet he couldn't solve it. It wasn't a puzzle or an equation, it was a state of his mind that was not functioning correctly. Logan didn't mind, that's what he told himself anyway. If he was performing his tasks and being an asset than that's okay for him. It's okay that he didn't feel, perhaps that would be functional to him anyways. Logan wasn't bothered that he'd be working on his desk to suddenly being in the bathtub with cuts covering his arm. He wasn't bothered, he had schedules and memories and so much work to do. If he could still work then maybe a bit of a forgetful memory is okay.

———

When he 'awoke' it all happened to fast to register. He was standing with the group to sitting in bed with Virgil, his arm wrapped around the other side. He knew what happened, the sides argued about Janus's reveal which caused Virgil to have a panic attack. He and Logan ducked out and he comforted the anxious side. He couldn't recall the words he said, nor the reason why they were sleeping together but here he was awake and feeling uneasy. Did he always feel this uneasy? Logan unwrapped his tie a bit, suddenly feeling the tight restraint of his tie. Logan tried breathing in and out. He'd repeat but the breathing didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. The warm body next to him and the covers and the darkness it was all too much.

Logan was looking in the mirror, his face didn't seem real. It didn't seem like his body or face was his. He felt as if he was occupying someone else's body, he felt like a puppet on a string. He splashed water onto his face and stared at his facial features, none of it seems real.

———

Logan recalls the first time he's harmed himself. It was an experiment, he says to himself as he grabs the blade and cuts his arm. He hypothesized that if I am not real, then I shouldn't feel it. His hypothesis was incorrect, he could feel the trickle of pain. Logan blinked in confusion at the feeling, this didn't make sense. If you punched a non-real thing it wouldn't feel it, why did he feel the pain? Why did he feel constantly tired, why did he feel numb, why did he even feel anything.

The first time he dissociates he's sure this caused his experiment. He got into a disagreement that caused one side to call him useless, he couldn't remember which side. Logan went to his room and laid in bed and then he didn't feel real, standing, holding a pen, drinking, none of it registered. Logan wasn't particularly upset at it however, he embraced the feeling of numbness. The way he didn't feel anger or useless was comforting. However, whenever he began losing track of time and memory it began to worry him.  
This shouldn't happen, Logan thought.

His symptoms became worse till Logan couldn't bother anymore, he was so tired. He let it happen, if he missed a week on information it's okay, he'll just go on autopilot and rest.

———

He debated telling someone about his unconscious consciousness. How he'd explain it would be bewildering but at least he'd have it out there. He didn't even know what day it was, or the hour. Not even the time on his watch reassured him. His brain was jumping back and forth, always telling him that he had to work to just letting go of it all. His constant battle with his mind was going to metaphorically kill him.

I can't die, Logan thinks to himself while eating a piece of crofter toast.

Logan looks around the kitchen, seeing Janus filling up a cup of tea, he then checks the window, it's dark out, the moon is the only outside light. Logan's eyes raised in confusion.

Why am I eating breakfast? Is it 6 am? Logan questions and checks the clock, it read 2 am.

"Logan, are you dissociating right now?" Janus asks.

Logan looks at the Deceitful side before back at his soggy bread," no, not right now."

Deceit passes him a cup before sitting beside him," how long has this been happening?"

"I don't know," he responds quietly, sounding more like a breath than an answer.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine," the answer was automatic," I'm sorry, I didn't mean that I'm- I'm not okay."

Janus nods, sipping his tea," when was the last time you took a break? When did you let yourself relax?"

"I can't quit," Logan said," what would Thomas do? What would the others do?"

"Logan this is hurting you," Janus is glaring now, yet his intention is kind, Logan can tell.

"I don't feel anything."

"Of course you don't."

———

Logan finds himself in Janus's room, he's staring at the wall before he feels the ice cube in his hand that brings him back.

"There we go," Janus mutters," welcome back to reality."

"How long was I dissociating?" Logan asks.

"Two days," Janus answers.

Logan eyes widen," what was I doing before I left?"

Left. That's a fun way of putting it he supposed.

"You got into an argument and shut yourself in for about three hours, when you came out of your room you were gone," Janus replied.

"Do the others know?" It's a dumb question with an easy answer.

"Of course they do, they've talked to you about it. Multiple times."

Logan raises his brows at that before laying down, looking at the ceiling.

"I don't feel real, even though I am a figment of imagination residing in Thomas's brain," Logan admits," I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, I-I feel- I feel like I'm watching a crappy movie and I don't know what to do. I can't find a logical solution."

Janus nods for him, a sign of reassurance as he holds Logan's hand. He can feel Janus's warmth, however, this felt comforting and not intrusive.

"I have to be resourceful, I have to be intelligent, I have a job to do. I don't even know how I'm doing that job," Logan spoke, feeling tears streaming down his face," what am I if I can't do what do my purpose."

"Your purpose doesn't define you," Janus replies," you're Logan, a nerd that's into astrology, true crime, and philosophy. You're intelligent yet so dumb, and you're allowed to be scared, Logan. You're allowed to have emotions, you're stressed out of your minds and seeing you dissociated is heartbreaking."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, this isn't your fault, being sad is okay. You're going to get through this," Janus whispers as Logan wails, now hugging the deceitful side. 

Logan closes his eyes, allowing himself to feel safe.

**Author's Note:**

> yell @ me on twitter fugoscryinghour or tumblr 4in1combo  
> I havent seen people say Logan dissociates and I feel like with all of the stress and pressure he deals with he probably dissociates to get by.  
> also ending is rushed sorry


End file.
